Junk Food Nation, let’s talk about something that can happen, has happened, and will continue to happen to all of us. That’s right, JFN. I’m talking about drooling. Look, I’m man enough to admit it – it’s happened to me in the most awkward situations. And while anything else can usually be laughed off (like if you trip, or run into a glass door, or get chased by a bee), there’s really no coming back from a drool. You’ll forever be know as that guy or girl who drooled.  It’s like the scarlet letter.

1) The Mid Sentence Drool – Flirting Edition – this is the biggest dagger of the drooling world.  Wanna kill the buzz or vibe immediately? Leak through your mouth.

And there’s no good situation to drool in.  Talking to a hot guy you’re trying to hook up with, or that girl you’re trying to sleep with – the worst.  You’re chatting along, laughing heartedly, when all of a sudden your bottom lip tips and let’s out a bucket of saliva. Your brain, “Oh no, NOOOOOOO” And no matter what you try to do to recover (clapping your hand over your mouth to catch it, sucking hard to prevent it, or turning away quickly, spiraling the spit off the the side) it’s gonna look bad.

There’s no saving it either. You can’t just laugh and say, “I drooled, heh heh.” Um, I know, weirdo. Please distance yourself from me…forever.

More after the jump.  Today’s junk food was semi-suggested by my old roommate Jen (one of the funniest people I know): Chorizo Chipotle Corn Nuts!

The Money Shot

Ah, Corn Nuts. They crunch loud, they smell bad, and you either hate them or you love them. You either think that Corn Nuts are tasty flavor crunch balls, or you think they taste like rotted baby’s teeth.  Me, I’m fully in the tasty camp. I LOVE CORN NUTS.

One of my sisters introduced this junk food to me early on in life.  I loved corn, and I was fascinated by this “chip” that was shaped like little corn kernels that came in a slim bag. Super crunchy and flavorful, I used to eat these in my bed at night after everyone had gone to sleep.  ….I feel like I’m sharing too much.

Not subtle

As the story goes, Corn Nuts were invented in 1936 when a guy tried to make a toasted corn snack. Clearly, he hadn’t mastered the ability to pop corn, or maybe he was just living in Orville Redenbacher’s shadow. Whatever the case, the website goes on to explain some wacky fantasy story about Corn Nuts and discovering the creatures that litter the website.  Yeah, ok, Corn Nuts. Wacky websites are fun, aren’t they?

Each Corn Nuts bag is emblazoned with the gigantic words CORN NUTS on them. No need to shout, guys.

It's on FI-YA!

Chorizo Chipotle Corn Nuts aren’t even on the company’s website yet!  WIN for me. Planter’s, incidentally, is the company who makes these.  You know, with the peanut guy with the cane and monocle?  Corn Nuts are, of course, not nuts at all, but just big ass baked pieces of corn, flavored to the brim – the crunchiest snack I know of.  I feel like I’ve broken some teeth on Corn Nuts before.

Chorizo Chipotle is a bold flavor. There’s a big promise here in showing big red peppers that are engulfed in flames.  I’ve done “Chipotle” in the past already five times, and chipotle better MEAN spicy.

Diagonal font = fun!

The design and marketing wizards at Planters have really outdone themselves here.  I can’t think of a better way to sell this product than, “Extraordinary flavors! MMM, DIFFERENT!”  MMM, different??? Who thinks that?

Um...aren't ALL foods a choking hazard?

I snark here about every food = choking hazard, but I have to admit, this is true in this product especially. Never has a product been so carefully designed to kill you.  Little round pellets that can get lodged in your throat? Check. Just small enough for children? Check. Tiny warning label which can easily be ignored? Check!

I feel like the warning should be not only to children under 6, but to anyone and everyone. Then again, I would hope any sane adult would not try to swallow these things whole.  You want to chew these bad boys, and think, “MMMM, different.”

Spiced up!

Ohhhh, yea, Chorizo Chipotle Corn Nuts – thats what I like to see. Each individual Corn Nut is just doused with a fiery blend of red spices. I prefer the “furry with spices” look, and that is definitely achieved here.

Goodness gracious great balls of fire!

I popped a bunch into my mouth, and WOW THESE ARE SPICY!  Whew, cough cough.  Yep, these are Chipotle alright.  The crunch of the Corn Nut is familiar and satisfying – like I stated before, this is the crunchiest snack I know of.  The spice is powerful – a good chipotle pepper taste at first and then BAM the fire burns your tongue and makes you cough. In the background, there is a semi-savory flavor – not sure if that’s the chorizo part, but there was some artificial bouillion-like flavor there. More importantly, with each “nut” that you each, the burn grows exponentially.  Wow.

For anyone who likes spicy snacks, I’d give this a thumbs up – Planters definitely delivered.

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2) The Mid Sentence Drool, Family Edition – this deserves its own category. Drooling in front of your sisters, brothers, or parents is a whole new level of Hell.  You could be having a nice conversation about the weather with your mother, but one strand of drool comes out of your mouth, and you can expect an endless tirade about how I hope you don’t do that in public when are you going to grow up why didn’t you finish college get a job please. Who knew that one drool could open up Pandora’s Box?

3) The Mid Sentence Drool – Interview Edition – ever drool while talking to a prospective employer? Yeah…don’t call us, we’ll call you.  And you might wanna get that suit dry cleaned.

4) The Mid Sentence Drool, Friend Edition – if there was ever a situation to drool in, this is it.  At least your friends won’t stop talking to you ever again…they’ll just tell everyone and anyone what you just did. For the next three days. On Facebook and Twitter. Sigh.

In fact, your friends are so nice, they might imitate you for days to come, or remind you of it to smack you down during arguments.

“I can’t believe you deleted Gossip Girl from the DVR!”

“Oh why don’t you go into your room and drool about it.”

Ouch.

Ever had a bad drooling situation yourself?  Let me know in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy!

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy