JFNation, I’m back. I’M BACK. Holy cow…what day is it? Where am I? Is this really Washington, DC, or am I still hallucinating from my sunburns? No, this is real, and your friendly neighborhood JFG is here to tell you about my past few days. Hopefully many of you have been following on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram to see what I’ve been up to.

Let me give some backstory first – this trip to Cancun, Mexico was going to be my first vacay in a long time. A LONG TIME. Like many of you, I work long long ass hours, such that even events like this – huge trips out of the country that you’re really excited for – just SNEAK UP ON YOU. On Wednesday morning, when I woke up at effing 1:45am to drive me and my travel companion, Ceddy, to the airport, my first thought was, “Oh, this was a huge mistake.”

You might be wondering, “Eric, why the hell are you driving so far away and so early?” Because Ceddy lives far away from me. Because the airport is even farther past him. BEcause you’re supposed to arrive for international flights three hours early or something. LOOK LEAVE ME ALONE.

The point is, I was tired. Burned out. Ready for vacay, but wondering if I’d even survive the first day. Fourt trials in eight days will do that to a man. I was rolling into this trip, a broken broken man, lawyer, food blogger. But there was only one destination on my mind:

THE LIVE AQUA RESORT IN CANCUN, MEXICO. Let’s look at a picture, shall we?

If that looks like a stock photo, it is, from Trip Advisor.  Oh, and if you don’t think this entire review and subsequent reviews aren’t just a big plug for the Live Aqua, YOU’D BE WRONG. Because this place was LEGIT. I’ll be singing its praises until my sunburns go away, and even then I’ll at least hum some good comments. But you know, done JFG-style. No free compliments here.

So let’s get the plugs out of the way: The Live Aqua Resort in Cancun, Mexico.  Trip Advisor rated #2 hotel in Cancun. Right in the heart of all the all-inclusive resorts in the Hotel Zone. Across from some expensive shopping areas, and only a bus/cab/shuttle ride away from the downtown clubbing area. Good choice? No…GREAT CHOICE.

Back to the trip. Ceddy and I finally boarded our plane, only to sit there on the friggin’ runway for an hour. American Airlines, WTF, man. Because we had a connecting flight, I was worried we’d miss it. And…we did. AA, you’re on my sh*t list. You DID buy some good will with me by putting us on the very next flight, but you’re on thin ice.

A few more coffees and we were finally there, flying over paradise…

What you’re seeing there is basically the day-shot of the beach handle of land where all the resorts were located. I was mesmerized. It was like flying over the Las Vegas strip…but more water. And less pollution.

Wanna see a happy JFG? A HAPPY NERDY JFG???

BOOM. I couldn’t contain myself. We’d finally arrived in paradise. I’d been waiting for this trip for, like, five months. I could NOT BELIEVE IT WAS HERE. And here I was. Holy S. My mind was spinning.

Oh yeah, BTW, IT WAS HOT. Like, REALLY REALLY HOT. My Apple Weather app kept showing thunderstorm clouds for the entire five days I would be here. LIES. I don’t remembered one speck of rain over the course of the trip. Get it together, Weather.com.

Ceddy and I hopped our shuttle, and we were OFF. The resort was about a 15-minute ride from the airport, and as we passed beach after beach, and resort after resort, I began to SERIOUSLY BRO OUT. I don’t know what came over me.

And these shots were all just ON THE WAY to the Live Aqua! By the time we pulled up to our resort, I was hootin’ and hollerin’ like an idiot, grabbing Ceddy’s arm yelling, “WE’RE HERE, SON, WE’RE HERE!” I’m a maniac, btw.

We stepped into lobby to check in, were greeted by this lovely pool, and the staff already knew our names. They took our luggage away. They invited us to look around the gigantic lobby…

…before we were asked to go up the elevator to the 5th Floor. Where’d my luggage go? We were either getting robbed, or someone had our account on LOCK.

Ceddy and I had upgraded our rooms at the Live Aqua to be on the Aqua Club level, which included a private check-in desk, free food, free drinks, couches to lounge on, and…and….

HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THAT VIEW. I hadn’t even stepped into the lounge yet, and was dazzled. As Ceddy checked us both in, I merely took the time to wander around, JAW AGAPE, at what I was seeing.

That’s me, contemplating how much fun/trouble I’d be having/getting into the next few days. Let’s check out two views from the Aqua Lounge:

I MEAN, MY GOD MAN. I’d NEVER been to an all-inclusive resort before, and I’d certainly never been to a place like the Live Aqua before so I had NO IDEA what to expect. I felt like Vince Vaughn from the movie The Internship where he keeps asking the food stand guy if everything is free:

“What’s the damage here?”
“Nothing.”
“For the… for these?”
“Free.”
“These are complimentary?”
“Complimentary. Free.”
“Whatever you want.”
“What you’re just saying is if I…whatever I walk away with here…”
“It’s free.”
“What about these…the bagels and all that?”
“Yeah, it’s free.cAnything you want.
“If you’re insisting, twist my arm. I’ll have a couple of them. Like four-four of them.”
“Four?”
“Well, just whatever it is. What about five of them?”
“Free, too.”
“Well, why don’t you go ahead and make it seven, then?”

The Live Aqua Club Lounge had fresh veggies, smoothie shooters…

Amuse Bouches of fig and cheese and meat and other treats…

…chafing dishes of hot braised meat and other culinary delicacies. And here’s the shocking thing. IT WAS ALL GOOD. Like, usually when you go to a cruise or an all-inclusive, some of the food is gonna be sort of WAH-WAH (sad trombone). But not this. You’ll see with subsequent days, the food here at the Live Aqua was superb. I had a curry puff at the Club Lounge (not picture) that actually MADE ME GIGGLE it was so good. GIGGLE, PEOPLE. IT HAPPENED. Then I slammed down like six more.

Oh yeah, and booze? FREE CITY. Lots of Tecate, Dos Equis, and Sol was consumed over the course of the weekend at the Live Aqua. “But, JFG, where’s the Corona?” SHHHHH. DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. Just take your armful of free beer, go over there and drink it and be happy! Because the thing isOMG WHAT THE HECK IS THAT*

Oh, only the largest selection of tequilas I’d been this close to where I could just pick up a bottle and pour a shot. “It’s free, whatever you want.” Great Googly Moogly, Live Aqua – this was going to be a dangerous weekend.

After what ended up being two beer and a tequila drink, Ceddy finally tore me away from the lounge and hustled me to our room:

Beautiful. Our rooms near the Live Aqua Club Lounge had a huge balcony/outdoor lounging area right outside of those sliding glass doors. If you go up to the first photo, our rooms were one of those on the very ends of the floors where it looks like a cascading staircase. We changed, threw on pool trunks, and hiked out to the pool/beach area to meet up with two more friends who had just arrived: Triple P and Mr. Olympus.

As we the four of us trekked to find something to eat, I took a look back up at the Live Aqua. I mean, my god. Just beautiful.

Our first lunch of the day was at the Sea Corner, which is described as: “This shoreline restaurant features unlimited ceviche, chips, tacos and fresh tropical cocktails.” OH YES IT DOES. Sand under our toes, the four of us sat for lunch, and the waiter asked us what we wanted. “ONE OF EVERYTHING,” I exclaimed. Ceddy, Triple P, and Olympus all looked at each other, looked at me, and said, “Alright, that’s how this weekend is gonna be? Let’s do this.” We then proceeded to shove ceviche into our bodies for the next hour, washing them down with three more beers a piece.

Bellies full, it was time to cool off. I blame the majority of my sunburn on (1) not using sunscreen as soon as I got there, and (2) eating ceviche under the sun for an hour unprotected. Smart move, JFG. Ignoring the 20-minute rule before going swimming, we hiked up a short walk to the Pool Club.

If you’re wondering if this is just a big ass pool with a bar at one end where the bartenders will serve you unlimited drinks, the answer is YESSUMS. Holy moly. I forgot the rule about mixing liquors and spent the next couple hours drinking icy drinks and loudly declaring that this was the BEST TIME EVA. At some point I fell asleep, and at another point I made it back to my room and fell asleep again. I was awakened by Mr.O and PPP who had come down to our room for dinner.

“Dinner? But we JUST ATE.”

“Eric, that was six hours ago.”

Oh.

The Live Aqua spot for that night’s dinner was SIETE, an ala carte buffet of both Mexican and Italian specialties. Here’s a sampling of some of the stuff they had one hand:

Everything was SUPER FRESH, and was prepared with care. Cold items were kept perfectly cold. Hot items were under intense heat lamps. Everything was pretty awesome at Siete. I was particularly enamored with the corn and poblano salad:

I mean, corn, poblano strips, onions and queso? SIGN ME UP ALL DAY LONG. Can I only eat this from now on?

We spent much of dinner people watching, joaning on people while overserving ourselves on burritos and linguini. I mean, we had to carb up, right? Soak up the alcohol, for our night out at:

COCO BONGO. It was BY FAR the most bizarre/fun club I’d ever been to! Here’s a video (not mine) to give you a sampling of what it was like:

Coco Bongo was basically a dance club that featured all the Top 40 hits from the USA and Latin America from the past 20 years. Then, they’d intersplice the music with random ass performances with acrobatics. It was as if the club decided to take every single American cliche and throw it into one night. Let’s swing Spiderman through the club! Let’s impersonate Beetlejuice! Let’s trot out people to sing Moulin Rouge! Let’s have pretend battles between Bane and Batman! At one point I looked at Mr.O and screamed, “WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING?????” He shrugged and kept bopping his head to the DMX song that was playing.

Coco Bongo exceeded my expectations, and was a BLAST. On the way in, we were all bizarrely patted down at one station, and then given cranberry liquor shots another checkpoint. MY KIND OF PLACE. We rocked it out there until around 2:30-3:00am, when I begged to leave because I had BEEN UP OVER 24 HOURS AT THIS POINT.

As I re-entered my room, I snuck out onto the balcony to take a quick shot of the resort below and the room. Holy cow. This was gonna be a good five days. Thanks, Live Aqua! Day 1 in the books for your friendly neighborhood JFG.

Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2!

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. I also have Google+!! Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

Junk Food Guy