Junk Food Nation, first I’d like to take a moment to remember those who died during the attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, 70 years ago today. A definite turning point in World War II, it was also one of the nation’s most horrific events in its history.  To all those involved, we honor you today, “a date which will live in infamy.”

JFN, I forgot to tell you one story about my trip to AC. I think in my every day life, I have a pretty good filter.  Sure, I get to blow off some mild steam on this blog, but I’m generally (hopefully) tactful in public…unless I get taken by surprise, which is what happened this past Sunday as we were leaving AC.

The Caesars casino has lots of stairs and ramps throughout its levels, in connecting with Ballys casino, in connecting various floors, hallways, etc.  I mean, there are ramps, stairs, 3-steps, raised levels, platforms, everywhere.  It’s kind of a mess.

As we were heading to our car after checkout, we took every single ramp toward that direction since we were dragging our big old beer cooler behind us.  At one point, there was a ramp that led up around a turned corner, with the opening just slightly visible as we approached.  I was leading the pack, and I saw a maintenance man start to go up the ramp with his cleaning cart, only to stop and back out of the way of the ramp entrance.  I assumed he had seen our group charging forward and was deferring the right of way to us.

As I rounded the corner to head up the ramp, I saw otherwise: there was this MASSIVE woman coming *down* the ramp, so large that she took up the “up” AND the “down” lanes of the walking ramp! Now, I have no problem with heavy people, that’s not what this is about.  But this lady was JUST HUGE. And wearing purple ALL OVER – it was like Grimace was walking down the ramp!

My first inclination, unchecked, was to yell “WHOOOOOOAAAAAAA” and stumble backwards from the ramp with a look of awe on my face.  And when I saw yell, I mean, I blurted out WHOOOOOAAAA like I was standing on the edge of a cliff trying not to fall over.  And my face must’ve been paralyzed with a look of horror. Polite, I know.

I immediately felt embarrassed at my reaction.  Thankfully, the lady just chuckled and played along, laughing, “Beep beep truck coming through truck coming through!” which…looking back, is even more awkward.  Sigh.

Today’s junk food: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts!

These Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts were being sold at my local Giant supermarket on the same shelf as these:

Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts? In my head, I though “aren’t ALL Pop-Tarts sort of like eating a frosted sugar cookie?  These are going to be boring as hell.” Hence, my decision to review the gingerbread variety.

The import of the pictures on the box of Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts is clear: These are unfrosted “gingerbread” Pop-Tarts with a white frosting inside.  Slap on some gingerbread house images, and voila! A holiday treat.

The imagery is sort of weird, I guess – animated gingerbread characters doing human things.  Creepy.

The question for me really is whether adding these images is really “Printed Fun,” or just a cheap gimmick?  Do kids really get suckered into these Pop-Tarts just because they have pictures on them? Creepy pictures, at that?

I mean, if so, I need some cartoons printed on each individual potato chip, STAT!

50 possible images?????? Who has THAT job, to come up with the cartoons on each Pop-Tart?  Which circle of Hell does that guy work in?  “I went to art school for eight years…and now I need to make sure this picture of a gingerbread man throwing a baseball fits on this toaster pastry.”  I salute that guy. Fight the good fight, brutha.

Look, they even have little “Printed Fun” figures printed on the cartoon representation of the toasted Pop-Tarts inside the toaster on the side of the box!  Kellogg’s, you get an A for effort there.

Yay reindeer…er..gingerbread men games!  Although, I must say AGAIN, these gingerbread men moving around, doing human things – CREEPY.  What’s with the one with blonde hair on the right?  Seriously creepy.

And on the inside of the box…what the hell, isn’t this the same image as the outside of the box?!  Are these the shadowy figures that humans see in Plato’s Republic on the walls of the Cave?  Why is this printed in here, Kellogg’s?

Ah, making paper snowflakes.  I can’t remember the last time I did this…and I love the suggestion of using safety scissors.  Remember those plastic things in grade school?  Those things couldn’t cut ice cream.

Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts come individually wrapped/pouched with red ribbons on them!  Ok, Kellogg’s, you got me.  These look pretty cool, with the To: and From: tag printed on it too.  Stocking stuffers, I guess.  Though that’s the last thing I’d want – a crumbled Pop-Tart (the foil wrapping isn’t exactly the strongest protection).

Open the package and GAAAAH these look like something out of a horror movie!!!!

(Sidenote: as soon as I opened the wrapper I REALLY got the smell of gingerbread right away, a really STRONG smell of spice.  That has me excited!)

After toasting, these look EXACTLY THE SAME and just as creepy.  Look at the hockey player gingerbread man.  Why is he smiling so big!!!???  AND UNBLINKING NOOOOOOOO.

BWHA HA!  That’s what you get for looking at me so weird, hockey ginger!

Well, now I just feel sadistic.  Sorry, hockey gingerbread man.  But…I need to eat you.

Up close, the Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts dough is loaded with sugar and cinnamon and spice.  And apparently a good helping of blue dye (yikes).  I’m sure that’s healthy to ingest.

GAAAAAHHHHH again, creeeeeepy!  The frosting oozing from the pores near his head isn’t helping either. someone call the Ghostbusters, please.

Heated, the inside of the Pop-Tart was white and gooey…smelled marshmallowey sweet.  But, strangely, unlike when I first opened the wrapper, these no longer really smelled like gingerbread.  Time for a taste…

The taste of these Kellogg’s Limited Edition Printed Fun Gingerbread Pop-Tarts was….well,  sort of disappointing. I tasted these toaster pastries both cold and toasted.  And truth be told, these tasted MORE like gingerbread when cold.

When cold, the dough was chewy and sweet, and did have a very SMALL hint of spice reminiscent of gingerbread.  The filling, when cold, tasted very much like marshmallow…not like frosting.  The overall experience of this Pop-Tart when cold was like eating a slightly sweet spice cookie.  It was…just meh ok.

When hot, these Pop-Tarts were still tasty, but the gingerbread flavor was cooked right out of it – all I could taste was the overwhelming flavor of graham cracker.  Weird.  I tried and tried (even cleansed my palette in between), but I could not taste the gingerbread spice.  The inside of the Po-Tart, when hot, tasted less like marshmallow and more like frosting, but it didn’t accentuate any flavor except graham cracker.

Hot or cold, the flavor profile was never quite right.  Sorry, Kellogg’s – not a winner for me.

Thoughts? Hit me in the comments below or hit me on Twitter @junkfoodguy or on my Facebook Page.

Sincerely, Junk Food Guy